Feelings

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Everything that happens to us, all day every day, invokes some level of emotional response. Whether we're aware of it or not. As a manager, everything you do and say has some level of emotional impact on the people you manage. 

How we're feeling at any given moment directly influences our actions and behaviour. I'm sure you'll agree that unpleasant feelings aren't the bedrock of high performance. Hopefully, then, it's not too difficult to see why it makes sense to pay some attention to how you and the people you manage are feeling at work. Here's how.

Listen to learn

If you're paying attention, you'll have noticed that people express their feelings all the time. As a manager I try and pick up on people saying "I feel.." when talking. When I do hear it, with some friendly curiosity, I try and link the feeling back to what caused it. From there, I have several options:
  • If the feelings are negative, does the person have any control over the situation; if not, can I help them confront it and let it go or redirect it towards something more positive? 
  • If they do have some control, can I help them to figure out what actions make sense as next steps? 
  • If the feelings are positive, can I help reinforce it with a positive and encouraging response?
Ask to clarify

Body language, facial expression and tone of voice can also send unmistakable signals when feelings are particularly intense. Most of the time, though, our day to day feelings are not at the extreme, so they can be hard to accurately read in others. 

As a manager, it can be easy to fall in the trap of assuming that you know what another person feels. Watch out for that, because you could be doing it subconsciously and not even aware you're doing it. At any rate, you're very probably wrong. Even if you think you know that person really, really well. The only way you can really know how someone feels is to take the time to ask them. It needn't be awkward or difficult. Here are some examples:

- How are you feeling today? 
- How do you really feel about x, y or z?
- What made you feel that way?
- How do you feel you're doing?
- How would you like to feel instead?
- What feels most important to you right now?

A personal favourite of mine, which I use very sparingly, is to ask a person to rate a feeling out of 10. For example, "Out of 10, how fulfilled do you feel in your work at the moment?" When they give a number (let's say 7), then I ask "What would it take to get you to an 8?". That always opens up a fascinating conversation. It helps me get to know that person better, and what they share enables me to help them increase a positive feeling in a way that matters most to them.

Sometimes you'll need to create time and a safe space for a team member to openly share negative feelings with you. They may feel badly towards you for some reason, or themselves, or another member of the team, or someone else. It's generally best to encourage people to resolve negative feelings between each other themselves. Resist any urge to jump in to do that for them. If they have negative feelings towards you, you'll need to find a way to help them share these with you so you can clear the air and resolve them together. If they feel badly within themselves (i.e. anxiety, depression, stress, etc) you can show some kindness and empathy by asking what support they need. As the manager you might offer to take some pressure off work-wise in the short term (time off, reduced hours, extending deadlines, etc) and signpost professional sources of support. 

Share to build trust and openness

You can't expect others to be comfortable opening up about their feelings if they never hear you share your own. This means catching yourself before always defaulting to "oh, I'm good thanks" every time a member of your team asks how you are. 

To give a more authentic response to that question occasionally, you may need to practice getting more in tune with your own feelings?.The good news is there are tools available to help. Instead of re-inventing the wheel....as it were...I'll just share links to some good online resources so you can learn more about it:
Choosing and using one of these wheels can really help you get clear on what you're feeling. This, in turn, helps you process the feelings and move forward. 

For example, I've been struggling since early December to make an insurance claim for a cancelled holiday. I could just say "bah, I feel frustrated" but, looking at Plutchik's wheel, I can identify what I really feel - contempt, a mixture of anger and disgust. The Geneva wheel helps me realise that I have no power or control over the situation though, which helps move me towards disappointment. "So what?", you might say. Well, the funny thing is, being able to get really specific about what I'm feeling has helped me to confront those feelings and lessen their impact. Realising I have no power or control in this situation has the odd effect of helping me accept that fact. Now it's somehow a bit easier for me to be objective about it and choose to let those feelings go or not. Somehow I feel more genuinely understood (by myself, no less). Anyway, I encourage you to try it and see for yourself. 

Finally, if you're still not convinced about the importance of paying attention to feelings at work, think about this. The process of submitting this claim to that company eventually triggered intense feelings of contempt in me, their customer. And they have absolutely no idea about it; they are, and will no doubt remain, oblivious (I have complained, they don't listen). I'll take my business elsewhere in future as a result and I would probably warn others to do likewise. Now, as a manager, what feelings might be being triggered in the people you manage that you have absolutely no idea about? What impact is it having on them and their work? How much better could things be if you did know, so you could do something about it?

We're all responsible for own feelings. At a basic level, we're all trying to attain, retain, recreate or avoid certain feelings. Knowing that what we say and do can trigger feelings in others, perhaps the least we can do as managers and colleagues is keep working on our self-awareness, be mindful of our personal impact on others, tread lightly, be kind and show consideration for those around us.